We’ve just traveled out of state for a second opinion on my voice. I now have more choices to make. I thought I would have long since been on the other side of these decisions, but here I am preparing myself for yet another surgery. I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotion and thought over the last couple of months. I’ve been processing many things.
One of the things I’ve been processing is prayer. Over the last year, I’ve been at a crossroads. I know how to pray. I’ve been praying for a long time. I’ve read dozens of books on the subject and heard even more sermons on it. I’ve been teaching others how to pray for years. I know the benefit…have seen the power, but in the aftermath of so much disappointment I’ve struggled to have words when I pray. I’ve long ago rejected the extremes of the prosperity gospel and deism. The prosperity gospel, maybe unintentionally, makes the individual the initiator of action (as if we could tell God what to do) and deism is the belief that God doesn’t interact with us in our daily lives at all. They are truly polar opposites. I don’t believe that I can name and claim anything I want as if the promises of God are a smorgasbord for those with persistence enough to stuff themselves, but I also don’t believe we are to sit around letting life happen to us. God is concerned with every aspect of our lives. I’ve known Him too long and too well to believe differently.
So…I’ve spent many mornings suspended somewhere in the middle. Not knowing if the greater faith was closer to profession or concession, but willing to lean into either if God would ask. The peace of God and His unfailing Word have kept me in the middle. I knew in my gut it was the right place to be, but I didn’t know what to say about it. Until I read about Eugene Peterson’s middle voice. In the Ancient Greek there is a middle voice where we are an active participant, but we understand that the action didn’t start with us. It’s where we join the action of another…the action of God. It’s the position in the middle of the two extremes that seeks to fall in line with what God has already been doing long before we became aware of Him doing it. It’s the prayer that wants His will…wants to see it, wants to do it, and wants to come into alignment with it. It puts the focus on truly knowing God for the sake of knowing Him.
This shift challenges the prayers prayed from fear. The ones that want everyone protected from anything hard. It confronts the petitions that seek comfort and safety instead of growth and intimacy. It opposes the selfishness that gets me stuck in my way of seeing and my way of planning. It opposes my anxiety and exposes my disbelief. It seeks to know God and His ways…to live His plan instead of trying to create or protect my own. It asks Him how He wants to fulfil Scripture in my life instead of telling Him how I want Him to do it. It seems small, but it’s a really big modification.
After we knew for sure that my previous surgery didn’t work right, I spent a few weeks asking God why He’d have me do the surgery when it wasn’t going to work…when I never wanted to do it to start with? I wondered if I’d missed Him…misheard His voice. I think that He is completely comfortable with my questions, but lately I’ve been asking different questions. “God, what are you doing that You want me to participate in?” “What Scriptures do you want me to stand on?” “What’s on your mind for me right now?” “What good are you working together within this?” Those shifts sound small, but they’ve changed me.
I think this is the attitude that Jesus had when He prayed: “Not my will but yours be done.” God could have sent a legion of angels to His rescue. Jesus knew that. He knew the power and ability of His Father, but He chose His Father’s plan. God’s plan is always for a greater glory. So, yes, God could have healed me immediately and supernaturally, but is there a greater glory in this longer process? I’m leaning toward yes. I don’t know what it is, but I know for sure that it’s changing me. I know that I’m seeing facets of His faithfulness that I’ve never seen before. I know that I’m interacting with people I never would have if not for this difficulty. I’m facing fears and I’m being stretched.
I’ve spent so much of my prayer life telling God what I wanted Him to do for me. Maybe it’s past time that I start asking Him what He’s already doing and how I can more effectively participate in it. And maybe it’s not even the words that are as different as the heart of it all. I’m trying to dig more into that these days.