The last two months of my life have been way busier than normal. The activity has kept me distracted, but my busyness hits its apex tomorrow. Tomorrow morning I’m scheduled for a Thyroplasty revision. During one of my preop appointments yesterday, my mind started reeling with: “I can’t do this.” It all felt like it was closing in on me. I was fighting tears in the elevator when I heard the Holy Spirit say, “Just take your time.”
Sometimes hearing from God on important matters can feel like trying to “smell the color nine.” I’ve learned how to better smell the colors after so many years of trying, but it still takes effort. Normally wide-open doors or closed doors help. Closed doors are actually my favorite. The thud often hurts, but there’s no denying it’s the road to avoid. I’ve also had more times than I can count when something so random proved to be paramount; when I was just doing the next thing and, in the aftermath, I knew for certain the Holy Spirit had orchestrated the circumstances. This season has tested my spiritual ears unlike any other. Decision after decision has been placed in front of me with no clear direction. No smells. No colors. No numbers.
I watched a show the other day about a young girl caught in the woods during a hurricane. She took a shortcut home trying to beat the storm, but she was too late. The wind became so strong and the rain so hard that she couldn’t see a thing. Branches were falling around her, and the sky was as dark as midnight. She had lost all sense of direction. Right at the moment that she started to give up, she heard her mother’s voice in the distance calling her name. The girl couldn’t see her mother, but she knew she was near.
I’m learning in seasons like this that sometimes knowing God’s near is more important than seeing the next step. Sometimes all we can do is follow His nearness, trusting it will get us where we need to go. I’m at the place in my journey where I don’t necessarily need God to answer my requests, I just need Him. I’ll take Him any way I can get Him. Even if the answers are no. Even if there is no breakthrough at the end of this path. I just need to move toward the sound of His voice. I woke up this morning to: “Be still and know that I am God.” I’ve heard it all day. Tomorrow, I’m not moving toward an outcome, I’m moving toward Him.