We are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary in Hawaii, and because of all the things our family has been through in the last year, we brought our children with us. We didn’t want to be away from them, but we also wanted to bless them for walking through this season so graciously and maturely. We have laughed so much together the last few days. We’ve tried things we’ve never tried before. It has been wonderful. But Chris and I have also cried a lot. Just when we think we’re almost back to normal, we realize there is no going back. Things will never be the same. We are changed. The change is as permanent as the scars on our bodies. We are frailer than we once realized. We are weaker than we always thought. Maybe that is a good place to be. Maybe it just aids in elevating God even higher. His inability to grow tired or powerless is even more impressive these days.
God has been so graciously working inside of us to heal what disease left in its wake. I feel Him doing it while our bodies rest. I believe now more than ever that the greatest healing is the one that happens inside of a person. It’s absolutely miraculous. My surgery left me with a paralyzed vocal cord. The voice box doesn’t only affect the voice but also the breathing and the swallowing. I feel the effects of all three every day. Chris’ surgery left him with stomach issues and ringing in the ears. We both feel much older. Five months out, I’ve realized that these physical effects are not what hurt the deepest. They are not the base of our worries. There are deeper fears that trauma has unsurfaced. They are what keep us up at night. They are what the Holy Spirit has wrapped His fingers around and slowly pulled to the surface. Fear is like a weed that must be removed at the root. I feel Him working the ground and massaging below the surface. I feel the tug on the tender places in my soul. I can tell He’s working to leave nothing of it behind.
I feel at the core of this work is a wrestling with the goodness of God. I know it’s there. It’s as sure as God, Himself, is sure. I trust that, but His definition of good is so different than mine. I think somewhere deep down that the grief of some very difficult seasons has caused me to expect the worst. It hasn’t caused me to trust God any less, but it has fought to make dreaming a thing of the past. This morning God whispered His word over me and captured a place in my heart that had become dormant. “If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”(Luke 11:13). In Matthew it says: “…how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:11). We talk a lot about God answering some prayers with a “yes” and others with a “no,” but the truth is that He always answers with the Holy Spirit. He is our answer. He is our good gift. In managing expectations, I’ve forgotten to always plan for the “yes” of that. I’ve set my sights way too low when I expect the worst. The Holy Spirit is the best and is a sure promise to any prayer I pray.
Every time I’ve been tempted in this season to get anxious or impatient I hear the Spirit whisper, “Wait with me a little longer.” So I wait. And I trust. And I know that He’s doing things inside of me. He’s evicting the fear, removing it at the root. I look out over the Hawaiian landscape as I write and I’m reminded of God’s master craftsmanship. His work is meticulous and colossal but also beautiful. His works are useful but also just plain enjoyable. It brings me joy to give this gift to my children. It is bringing God joy to give me His Holy Spirit even now. I feel the dream of that coming back to life. I feel it taking up space in the empty cavity left from the Gardner’s work. I feel it maturing. I feel it growing.